PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
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Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.