Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.