Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
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In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad