Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I camp so other people don’t have to.