professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
You Might Also Like
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*