Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything