“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
☺️
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
i actually laughed 😩
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?