How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Oh my God.
Still a very good boi….
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.