Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
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Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
me opening up to someone
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”