°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
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My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.