i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
…żyje?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?