Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
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Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh