If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
You Might Also Like
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…