I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro