[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.