I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
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Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.