Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You Might Also Like
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.