i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
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Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
How animals would run if they were human
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.