Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I didn’t come here to be called names
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Straight people are cancelled
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
They must have gotten it to go.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.