How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH