I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.