Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
You Might Also Like
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Just parrot things
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
you know what ruined my childhood? children