It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Omg 🤣
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine