Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
That’s easy for you to say
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.