Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
You Might Also Like
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
How do dragons blow out candles?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.