[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks