Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
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Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
This is so me 😂😂
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
i’m still crying at this
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever