Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
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“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
❤️🦆
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
time for some seasonal decor
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?