Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
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[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?