I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
TRAIN’S HERE
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Beards are a privilege, not a right