me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
when you are just born a rebel