If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
3YO: She鈥檚 eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn鈥檛 looking!
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
R.I.P.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My problem isn鈥檛 that I lose all my chapsticks. It鈥檚 just that I don鈥檛 remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Not today. 馃槄
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don鈥檛 like you.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that