If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
any last words?