Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Do not steal food from the science building!
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?