Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
You Might Also Like
broke down and did it
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?