After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
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If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh