I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
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I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?