Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
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I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.