[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
pelicons
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.