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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
set yourself free xox
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?