gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.