Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
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“no gods no masters” = leo
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.