Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
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I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
He a real one for that
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.