You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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Very good news from my accountant
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
how to have an accident 101
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
good work, everybody
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.