*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
girls literally only want one thing..
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?