When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that