MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
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Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband