Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
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Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
How software testing works
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
He just like my cat fr
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.