Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
How dramatic are you?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.