what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
You Might Also Like
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’